How to Be a Good Dom - A Dominant Beginners Guide

We all know the trope of a Dom in popular media: a caricature of woman in black leather screaming demands or a calculated male giving orders with a cool ease. These exclusionary images create a limited and often unrealistic image of the modern BDSM culture. BDSM is a practice centered around consent, communication, and experimentation with a relationship’s power dynamic and established boundaries. The following is a guide for those who are interested in BDSM, Domination, or finding out how it all works.

What is BDSM?

BDSM is an acronym for the practices of Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. The cut and dry definition of BDSM is range of sexual preferences that relate to physical or psychological control, and/or pain. Those interested in receiving pain are masochists and those who enjoy giving the sensation of pain are sadists.

How to be a Good Dominant

A Dominant/submissive dynamic (D/s for short) centers around the exchange in power between a sadistic Dom (also referred to as Domme, Owner, Daddy, Master depending on the dynamic) and masochistic submissive (also known as sub or slave). While a Dom is often portrayed as one with absolute power over another individual, to be a good Dom is to know how to wield that power and punish in a way that satisfies the needs of both you and your submissive.

Everyone’s needs and desires are different in BDSM, but the rules and terminology are universal. It’s important to stay conscious of the fact that everyone has kinks and that being able to communicate your needs with a partner in an open and honest way takes intimacy and trust.

Both Parties Must Feel Safe

Communication and consent are key to any successful BDSM interaction with one or multiple partners. BDSM interactions are referred to as “sessions” with a clear start and end; within sessions are moments called “scenes.” Those engaging in BDSM play can have limited sessions while other “lifestylers” live their day to day lives in within the parameters of a D/s dynamic.

All relationships are different and should be negotiated based on the wants and needs of those involved. Lifestylers may have daily routines like a Dom planning their partner’s wardrobe for the week or requiring acts of service like their sub leaving their slippers by the bed just so.

For Lifestylers, their routine play can be viewed as an expression of intimacy, connection, trust, and dedication.  For those who play in limited sessions, a weekly spanking or occasional breath play during sex might be just the spice they needs to keep things provocative in the bedroom.

The Bondage Community

The BDSM community is as diverse as the world at large. Types of play run the gamut of interests from rope (bondage and shibari), to impact play ( using a foreign object or your hand to strike a partner i.e. whips, crops, and floggers), to tease and deny where a partner is repeatedly aroused while their ability to resolve their feelings (climax) is prevented.

Everyone has their interests, the key is to find someone with whom your kinks are compatible. Someone who enjoys the power of teasing their restrained partner would be a perfect match for someone who enjoys bondage and edge play. In BDSM play Doms are able to explore their desires and fantasies while facilitating a safe space for their partner to experiment and experience their kinks. Their control of the experience grants them the power to bring their partner to the edge as the while watching them squirm with anticipation.

Communication is Key As A Dom

As a Dom, it is important to have open and clear communication with your submissive. Prior to pay, you should always be sure to discuss boundaries and expectations with your play partner.

Be sure to negotiate with your partner on neutral ground, while the Dom is control during a scene, it’s important to discuss expectations during play outside of your bedroom personas. Behind every hot and heavy, teasing and pleasing BDSM scene is verbal consent given sober and without fear or coercion.

Contracts with your submissive can be verbal or written but they need to establish clear rules. The best way to communicate is along the lines of “I’m enjoying x,” “I don’t enjoy x,” and “I would like to try x-does that work for you?”.  

At the core of any relationship are two or more consenting adults who want to have a nice time, therefore it’s important to discuss the needs of everyone involved in such an intimate, vulnerable situation. A good Dom sets out to give their sub what they’re looking for in a play session while fulfilling their own fantasy.

Choose Safe Words Before You Begin

Establish a set of safe words to use with your sub so that you two can maintain boundaries regardless of your scene’s intensity. A safe word is a word or phrase that you and your partner discuss prior to play that means “stop what you’re doing right now.” As soon as you hear it, it is crucial to pause and check-in with your partner.

A good Dom knows that check-in’s during play are a good way to make sure your sub is satisfied. A check-in can be as simple as “do you like it when I hit you like that?” or hidden in play along the lines of an order, e.g. “tell me you want more.”

It’s important as a Dom to remember that during a scene you are responsible for the health and well-being of another person. While having a partner at your beck and call in the bedroom is a wonderful fantasy, it’s important to remain empathetic to the needs of your submissive during play. This means that Doms are always able to retract consent, too.

If you submissive wants to try something that makes you uncomfortable, then you are under no obligation to do it to them, in any BDSM scene both parties should only go as far as they feels safe and comfortable. Domination doesn’t mean that you own somebody’s body in the literal sense, it means that a person has given themselves to you and trusts that you’ll take care of them.

Someone is giving you the permission to have them but that can be taken away at any point in time. Consent can always be taken away, even in the heat of the moment, even if you haven’t gotten started. This means that Doms are always able to retract consent, too.

If your submissive wants to try something that makes you uncomfortable, then you are under no obligation to do it to them; in any BDSM scene both parties should only go as far as they feels safe and comfortable.

Be There for Your Sub After the Scene

Being a good Dom isn’t solely about how you top your partner, it’s about what comes after as well. After a scene with a sub, a good Dominant should see if they or they sub needs any aftercare. For some that’s cuddling, talking, or crying.

For other’s it’s hanging out and eating a comforting meal and watching tv; while some folks don’t feel like they need any aftercare. Every partner is different. A quality Dom knows that aftercare is just as important as any scene.

Keep it in the Bedroom or Spice Up Daily Life?

Some subs may want their Doms to be loving and doting outside of scenes with degradation and punishment. Other subs may want to call the Dom “Master” or “Daddy” in daily interactions. It is important to make sure that both parties have their desires and expectations outside of the bedroom met with compassion and open mindedness.

Becoming a skilled and experienced Dom as has a practical, and at times, boring side. Those interested in exploring domination should read BDSM 101 Instructional Book by Rev. Jen for thorough guidelines practically outlined.  

The less exciting side of kink includes routines like cleaning your toys thoroughly after every use, especially when you have multiple partners. If you’re playing with bodily fluids, it’s important to clean them for the health and safety for all those that use them. It also includes honing your technical abilities so that when you play, you know the safety basics.

Doms should have their own safety scissors, know proper impact points for impact play, and use the right kind of toys (i.e. cotton rope, body safe wax, and other BDSM specific gear). In Fifty Shades of Grey supposedly experienced Dominant Christian Grey was shown buying rope for bondage from a hardware store.

Topping well means that you don’t cut corners with any play, especially what you play with. Be sure to read up on detailed guides (if you’re into rope read How to be Knotty or Ties That Bind, etc) for whatever play you’re interested in to keep up to date on tips, tricks, and safety guidelines. BDSM can be a rollercoaster of endorphins, doing it safely ensures that it’s fun and exciting for everyone.

Every Dom Needs a Sub

Finding a sub is different for every Dom. Some partners explore BDSM play within a pre-existing relationship. For others is can be a matter of going to a dungeon, joining Fetlife (social media for Kinksters), or attending a Munch (a meet and greet party local kinksters often held at a coffee shop).

The BDSM community is always open to teach newbies and grow their scene and classes are usually available at your local Hustler store. When meeting a new partner or expanding into kink with your existing partner, proceed with humanity and humility.

Safety Still Matters, Be Responsible

Remember that you are responsible for someone else’s health and safety in many forms of BDSM play, therefore experimentation comes with responsibility and reverence. While it is fun to be in control, remember that safety and consent are priority. Topping a partner can be a cathartic experience.

While you may not be able to control every obstacle that springs through in the chaos of life, you are able to shape a moment of ecstasy when you play.

People explore BDSM for different reasons. For some, BDSM is an exploration of power dynamics. For some women and queer folks, dominance can be an empowering experience that challenges patriarchal power dynamics one experiences in daily life.

For cis men, dominance can be an act of service to your partner while satisfying your need for control. Kink culture helps facilitate new experiences with partners while encouraging communication, trust, and intimacy. Topping your partner is the perfect way to assert your power and pleasure your partner.