Do you enjoy pleasing others? Do you like losing control? Does the idea of being punished turn you on? Then you might be a submissive. 

What is a Submissive?

A submissive or sub is someone who enjoys submission and likes being dominated. Generally it brings them sexual pleasure or gratification to please their often dominant partner by submitting to their demands and desires by being a submissive sex partner.  

Within the BDSM acronym a submissive is often paired with a Dominant in play and Dominant/submissive partnerships are referred to as Dominant / Submissive relationships. A D/s relationship can be simply having a Dominant that you play with consistently or having a romantic relationship with your Dominant. If you're curious how to be a submissive sexually then keep reading.

What Makes Someone a Submissive?

People can be submissive for a myriad of reasons. The main reason someone would be a submissive is that the loss of control to someone else turns them on.

For some with high-stress jobs, submission in their personal lives might be the perfect break from the pressure of responsibility in their outside lives.For others, submission might be the perfect way to serve a partner you truly want to worship.

Submission does not solely exist in a sexual vacuum. Submission might mean allowing your partner to pick your clothes, cooking your partner meals and giving them a back rub, or cleaning someone’s floors on your hands and knees.

The idea of serving may appeal to submissives who see their role of care taking as gratifying.

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Being a Submissive in Bed

Being a submissive in bed may appeal to someone who is turned on my the idea of being taken and controlled by their partner.

Submission can be an expression of trust, vulnerability, and love with a partner. Feeling safe enough with another person to allow them to tie you up, use toys on you, or smack you around can be the ultimate expression of intimacy for some. Imagining a scenario in which their partner takes full control of the scene and their body is thrilling to a submissive.

Someone interested in submission may want to experiment with submission from time to time or fully immerse themselves in a submissive lifestyle with a Dominant partner. Most important to remember is that submission is not just about serving a Dominant, instead it is about the gratification and fulfillment of their desires the submissive feels when submitting to their partner’s desires. By being a submissive girlfriend or boyfriend you are getting pleasure from satisfying your partners desires.

Talking to Your Partner About BDSM

Bringing up a conversation about being submissive with an existing partner can be difficult. Being vulnerable about your needs and interests can cause anxiety for the most vanilla of people, but it is necessary to do in any healthy relationship.

You can start expressing your desires with by stating what you enjoy already, “I really like it when you…” and “I would like it if you could do x more.” From there you can move on to expressing what you’d like to try and what interests you: “I think it’d be hot if you did x to me” and “I’m really into doing x, would you be open to trying that with me.”

Most of the time, even if your partner is not necessarily into your kink, they may be open to trying it to satisfy your desires. If your partner is vanilla, they may be open to easing into your type of play and working up to more intense scenes.

Do not go zero to fist-sized butt-plug with a partner. Be sure that along with letting your partner know what you’re interested in trying, you make it clear that your partner needs to learn how to play safely. That means using the right kinds of toys, having safety scissors, and knowing proper points for safe impact play.

What if My Partner Isn't Interested in BDSM?

If your partner is completely opposed to exploring your kinks, there are multiple solutions and no right answer. Maybe your partner is open to experimenting with your kinks but not right away.

In that case, be patient and gauge a time when your partner may be open to experimentation. You can also discuss play outside of the relationship like hiring a Dom or going to a dungeon to play as an option.You can also just continue your relationship as is, but a lack of fulfillment of your kinks and desires may cause some resentment.

Finally, if your partner is completely opposed to your kink or expresses disgust when you express your desires, they may not be the right partner for you. Someone can not be into what you’re into but there is never a justification for shaming someone’s kink.

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Who Can Be a Submissive?

Anyone can be a submissive, regardless of gender. And your Dominant can be any gender, regardless of your sexual orientation. Are you a guy and the idea of a strong women spanking some sense into you turns you on? That’s totally normal!

Everyone’s sexual desires can be explored in safe and healthy way within BDSM play. Your play partner can help you explore your kinks in a safe and controlled environment. Dominants are able to construct the parameters to fulfill a submissive’s fantasies.

Not All BDSM Relationships are Sexual

BDSM can be part of a sexual relationship but it doesn’t not have to be. The person who you choose to be your dominant might be someone of the same gender even if you identify as straight.

While for some, BDSM play can be a part of facet of a romantic relationship, for others it can be a infrequent indulgence in fantasy. It is entirely up to decide whether or not your BDSM relationship with a Dom is sexual or not. A impact play scene could result in emotional catharsis without a sexual climax.

Bondage play could simply be the art of shibari and without any sexual undertones. However you and your partner choose to play is entirely up to you. BDSM can be therapeutic and asexual. If someone has history of self-harm and needs to feel pain for release, impact and blood play can be a healthy expression of these sensations without the detrimental to one’s mental health.

Styles of BDSM Play

Everyone’s style of BDSM play is different. Some folks prefer to play in controlled settings like in clubs, dungeons, or now and then with their partner; while others called “lifestylers” prefer to spend day to day life in a BDSM relationship with parameters in place.

D/s  roles are not always stagnant. Sometimes submissives might want to top their partners. Partners who switch roles in BDSM play are referred to as “switches”. Submissives are capable of subbing and topping when they’re in the mood.

If there are two submissives in a relationship, both might consider being a switches so that their submissive needs can be met during play. If neither submissive wants to be in a dominant role, a partner may ask to play with a Dom outside of the relationship.

Dominants May Have Multiple Submissives

If your Dom wants to take on another submissive or play with other people, you are allowed to say “no” if it makes you uncomfortable. Even as a submissive, you are always empowered to make boundaries with your play partner.

If you’re open to your partner having other play partners, be sure that everyone is playing safely.  What is most important about multiple partner play is cleaning toys and implements properly after use and that all parties involved in play with bodily fluids have been STI tested. These precautions will keep you and your Dom’s other submissive’s safe.

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Can a Submissive Have More Than One Dominant?

It is possible to have two dominants at a time but, it requires a lot of communication. Your Doms must know about each other, respect each other’s time with you (without interference), and respect your preferences and boundaries.

While those who are not lifestylers may see people with multiple Doms in various scenes, a lifestyler may find it more difficult to juggle two partners. Being collared by one Dom doesn’t necessarily mean that you are prohibited from playing with another Dom, if just requires permission and communication.

Open lines of communication between Doms and yourself will make sure that all parties involved are able to express their own needs and fulfill the needs of their partners.

Choosing a Dominant in BDSM

Choosing a Dominant is an important part of healthy and safe play. Your criterion for choosing a Dom can differ depending on whether or not you see your potential Dom as a long term play partner or if you see them more as a one time or occasional play partner.

Regardless of length of play, you should look for a Dominant who can communicate clearly and respects your boundaries as you respect theirs. Safe words and limits should be discussed and established before play. Be sure to take account of what your potential Dom is into and what their stated boundaries are. By starting with open communication you can learn how to please your dominant and they can learn how to pleasure you.

For a long term play partner similar kinks make more sense i.e. you are both into wax play and would like to try role playing scenes involving age play. With a long term play partner, however, complete compatibility with your kinks is not essential. Like any relationship, no one is 100 perfectly compatible. However, honest communication with your partner will ensure that both of your needs are expressed and met whenever possible.